Intimacy and Desire

What it is about

Intimacy and Desire is David Schnarch’s later book on why sexual desire in a long bond depends on the ability to stand as a self, not only on novelty or technique. He treats a desire gap as a common position in a couple—one person relatively higher, one relatively lower—rather than as proof that love has failed or that the lower-desire person is the problem to be fixed. Desire, in this account, asks to be wanted by someone who can remain a separate mind; fusion and compliance may keep the peace and still flatten erotic interest. The book applies the differentiation argument of Passionate Marriage to the desire problem itself. It is explicit about sex, and it is not a stack of acts presented as the cure.

Questions it can answer

• Why can desire fade in a long bond that is not short of daily care?
• How does Schnarch treat a higher-desire and a lower-desire position without calling one of them the defect?
• What is the difference between wanting, and complying in order to settle the other person?

What you will not find

• A catalog of techniques or novelty presented as the cure
• A medical workup for pain, hormones, or erectile disorder
• A claim that one partner’s desire is a duty the other must meet on request