The Dance of Connection

What it is about

The Dance of Connection is Lerner’s later book on speaking so that a hard truth can be said without the conversation collapsing into pursuit, silence, or blame. She is concerned with voice: when a complaint is really a position, when silence is avoidance rather than dignity, and how telling a third person the story replaces a direct word to the person involved. The aim is to stay connected to oneself while remaining in the conversation, not to produce a speech that forces agreement. It follows the intimacy book’s question of a separate self into the practical problem of talk.

Questions it can answer

• How can a hard truth be said without the talk collapsing into pursuit, silence, or blame?
• When is silence a form of avoidance rather than a considered pause?
• How does telling a third person the story differ from speaking to the person involved?

What you will not find

• A script that guarantees the other person will hear and change
• The four-step observation-feeling-need-request method as the organising tool
• A full treatment of apology, which is the subject of her later book