Why Won't You Apologize?

What it is about

Why Won't You Apologize? is Lerner on what repair in an intimate relationship has to include, and why forms such as “sorry you feel that way” usually fail. A useful apology names the act, owns the effect, and does not smuggle in an excuse, a counter-charge, or a demand that the other person finish feeling it. She also writes about over-apologising as a way to end one’s own discomfort, and about the injured person’s right not to grant forgiveness on a schedule. The book is about the apology itself, not a general theory of anger and not a legal confession.

Questions it can answer

• What has to be present before an apology counts as repair rather than as a closing move?
• Why does “sorry you feel that way” usually fail?
• How is over-apologising different from taking responsibility?

What you will not find

• A formula that obliges the injured person to forgive
• Legal drafting of an admission
• A claim that the right words erase the harm