The Dance of Anger

What it is about

Harriet Lerner treats anger as information about a stuck pattern, often a triangle among a couple and a third person such as a parent, child, or friend. The Dance of Anger is especially clear about overfunctioning and underfunctioning: one person manages, pursues, or explains, while the other distances. Changing the dance means changing one’s own steps, not delivering a better speech to the partner.

Questions it can answer

• Why does talking harder often leave the same fight in place?
• How do overfunctioning and underfunctioning pair up in a marriage?
• When is anger news about a pattern rather than a character flaw?

What you will not find

• A permission slip for venting without a change in conduct
• Advice on how to make a partner anger-free
• A legal or clinical assessment of abuse